


Weakness

by Mx34



Series: Perfect, shattered and broken. [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Addiction, Angst, Drinking, Drug Withdrawal, Drunk Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Love Triangles, Lyrium Withdrawal, Mild Language, Mild Smut, Slow Burn, Swearing, Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-06 09:23:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6748180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mx34/pseuds/Mx34
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set following Champions of the Just, on the return from Therinfel, some minor spoilers for the game, but very few. I must apologise in advance as I have not written in over 10 years, however I cannot seem to get this out of my head and is now proving as a very welcome distraction! So bare with me on any errors or rusty writing on my part. Thanks!</p><p>Evelyn Trevelyn is tasked with closing the rift in the sky, she becomes aware that her feelings for her Commander could be her weakness and used against her, so she tries to remove herself from him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Weakness

**Author's Note:**

> Part of a very small series, I just had to get out of my system! I very rarely write without a song prompt, however on this occasion I have managed to! But I already know that the chapters to follow all stem from music! I have forgotten just how difficult it is to write, so please be kind!

Evelyn was weary, exhausted from the days marching that she had already undertaken and shattered at the thought of those ahead of her, however she was in no rush as she knew that returning to Haven would be even more difficult. Evelyn was acutely aware of her dismal attitude and foul tongue but she no longer had the energy to keep up pretences. The events at Therinfel had all but broken her, she was aware that she was now changed and had no temper left for which to pretend otherwise, a notion which she wished her companions appreciated.

The troop set up camp for the night, unlike any days before her Evelyn decided to collect firewood herself and leave the others to set up tents together, she just needed peace and quiet for a few moments. Later that night she sat at the edge of the fire watching the bright flames dancing before her, she tried to forget what had happened, but the images came swimming before her. She heard herself mock Envy, laughing at its pathetic attempts to derail her, she then heard her gut wrenching scream as the image of Leliana slowly sliced through Cullen's throat. She had no idea when he had become such a part of her, she enjoyed their little talks at night, when the rest of the world slept, an act which didn't come easily to either of them. Cullen had slowly become her companion through these long, lonely nights, she enjoyed sitting with him more than she enjoyed sleeping these days, but she thought very little of it. Evelyn never thought for one moment that her feelings were such that she would nearly succumb to a demon, unfortunately Envy did realise. She shook her head trying to erase the images, but it was not working, where was the boy Cole now? She was certain that without him she would not have been able to escape. 

"Hey boss, brighten up we will be back at Haven soon. Your Commander will be able to ease your tension away then." Bull laughed to Evelyn, but as she turned on him, jaw set in a way that he knew meant danger he realised his mistake.  
"Fuck off Bull, can you be professional for once in your life? I hired you and I can just as easily fire you, don't forget it." Evelyn shouted as she marched from the fire to a quieter corner.  
"Shit Tiny, touched a nerve there." Varric uttered just above a whisper.  
"Once again I will clean up your mess then, I suggest that you are both in your tents when we return." Cassandra stated, more of an order than a suggestion.

Cassandra found Evelyn not far away, she was sat up against the roots of an ancient tree, her knees drawn to her chest and her chin resting on them. The Warrior sat down beside her in silence. Evelyn respected Cassandra, despite having her in chains when they first met, she was fierce yet calming. Evelyn felt safe around the seeker and knew that she never had to speak, just to fill silences, she was slowly becoming a friend. 

"I have to ask." Cassandra whispered eventually "It has been bothering me for some time, you are a mage, yet you have chosen to ally your support to the Templars and not your own people. I am now wondering if you regret this decision."  
"Never." Evelyn breathed "But you deserve an answer, for some maker forsaken reason I have been charged to try to seal a break in the sky. In order for anything close to that happening mages and templars need to finally see eye to eye. I thought on it and I berated myself, but for a mage to choose to support templars, I thought it would show an understanding, a peace offering almost, to choose to reject the templars would be to choose that we could never work together, I did not wish for that to be my legacy."  
"very noble, well thought out I knew that you would be an asset to the inquisition." Cassandra stated.  
"I admit that it is the political answer. The Ostwick circle is nothing like the Ferelden circle, I grew up with templars as my allies, my protectors. I walked with templars, I studied with them. I had as many, if not more templars as friends as I did mages, they were my teachers, some even my lovers." Evelyn added with a laugh knowing the look this would receive from the ever stern and professional Cassandra. " I felt that it was not within me to turn my back on all of those who cared for me, who I cared for. What I saw in there, that is not the templars I know, what the elder one has done has turned them to monsters. I just hope we saved a few from that fate."  
"I thought there would be a personal reason buried within the political. Although I must admit I had thought it a little closer to Haven than Ostwick." Cassandra turned to her with a knowing smile.  
"I believe you are referring to that which Bull has already mentioned. I assure you seeker there is nothing other that a professional relationship between myself and the commander. There certainly shan't be anything else now" The two women sat in silence for some time before returning to camp.

Evelyn's sleep was once again broken, in these times at Haven she would seek out the comforting companionship of the commander, she wondered what she would do now, she already missed his smile, the way he blushed when she pushed him a little too far. She missed the sparkle in his amber eyes that she was sure that she saw, only for her, but it had to be done. She could no longer build any relationship with him that would lead to her weakness, she had to be stronger than that. 

Evelyn prided herself on how she dealt with demons, she almost enjoyed encountering them and slaying them every time, she enjoyed watching them attempt to falter her and failing. Never had she even been close to falling, until Therinfel. Evelyn laughed at Envy's advances, seeing Cullen fall had broken her defences and allowed Evny to see a weakness she had yet to identify within herself. She was shattered from seeing him but continued, with difficulty. After fnding Cole her strength was somewhat renewed, she ran through the prison on his orders lighting fires, she had lit 3, knowing the demons had placed those close to her within the prison to falter her, she ignored. However she knew before she entered the final prison who was in there, she heard his whimpers. Evelyn tried to ignore him, however it was impossible he was sat on the floor, knees drawn up to his face whimpering, how she had failed him and would execute him. Evelyn fell to her knees before the prison calling to him, she noticed how hollow his eyes were, no longer sparking and amber but dull and black, dead. His grey skin was pulled too tight over bones, he was a shadow of the man that she knew and tears were cascading down his face. "Cole help me!" she had shouted "Light the fire, burn out the demon." Cole replied "No, I have to get him out, I have to take him with me. I wont leave him." Evelyn was crumpled on the floor trying to reach him, using every spell she knew to brake the impenetrable prison. She has no idea how long she was fighting for, or even how Cole had managed to prise her away from his side. But she knew in that moment, she was weak, she nearly remained, risking possession, just because she could not leave his side. 

Evelyn rolled over, her mind now made up, if Envy could recognise Cullen as her weakness, any demon would, he would be used against her, she could not risk that. Evelyn would cut all ties to the Commander, only speaking with him on professional duties and avoiding any other contact, she had to keep him safe from her. She was a target now and the enemy would use any means to harm her and she knew herself she would be hurt much more by harm finding him than herself. 

The team finally reached Haven, she could already see him with his troops, but she knew he was keeping an eye for her return, as he always did the nights were darker, colder without her company he had once told her and Evelyn shuddered at how cold and dark they would be from now on. She noticed the recognition in his beautiful face, the sunlight bouncing from his golden hair. He took steps towards the party, Evelyn simply slid from her horse, handing the reigns to Master Dennets stable boy and walked towards the Chantry. Cullen jogged to her, reaching for her arm "Evelyn, are you alright?" He asked, worry etched along his features. She turned to him, with one deep breath she steeled herself, staring Cullen in the eyes, for maximum effect she stated coldly "Yes Commander. But I believe that we need to be more professional from now on. I don' think it is appropriate for me to be using your first name, or staying up talking."  
Cullen took a step back from her, releasing her arm, he looked wounded and confused "Eve... Hereld I don't understand. What has changed."  
"I.. I just realise now, after Therinfel what we are. You are a templar, you always will be and I am a mage, there is, cannot be a connection between us. It was just a ridiculous notion from the off. Regardless of that I am the Herald of Andraste and a noble born at that. You are the Commander of the army, but still a commoner no less. I will see you at the War Table when I debrief Commander." Evelyn stated, she had been planning what to tell him for days, she knew it had to be cold in order to keep him away. She brushed past him as she walked through the village, her nostrils flaring, her give away sign that tears were threatening, she would not allow them, she had to be strong. She could no longer have a weakness.


	2. Hunger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following her decision to detach herself from the Commander in order to prevent her weaknesses from showing Evelyn is offered the companionship of another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is the mildest of smut within this chapter. So little that if you blink you will miss it, I'm not quite confident enough yet! I was very much inspired by Bright Eyes lover I don't have to love for this. You can find that stunning song herehttps://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Lxb8b7ND6Wk.  
> Of course none of these characters belong to myself, I also have not repeated any dialogue too directly as I can't seem to get it right!

Work Text:

"Whilst I am aware of the vows taken by the Templars in Ostwick, I was wondering if the same applies in Ferelden. You all seem to take everything much more seriously." Evelyn sighed resting her hand on her hip and giving the Commander an innocent smile.  
"I... What do you mean Herald?" Cullen replied as a red blush began inching up his face.  
Evelyn laughed, he always resorted to formalities when she began to push him too far with her conversation.  
"Well, I don't know a Templar alive in Ostwick who would take any vow of chastity. I was just wondering if you lot happened to think it made you more, devout." Evelyn purred the last word, barely above a whisper, she looked up at him from under her eyelashes fully aware the effect her grey, blue eyes were having on the man.  
"Well some prefer to take a... Personal... Vow, but in some cases Templars can marry as long as it is approved by the order... Why, I mean how come. Why do you want to know?" Cullen eventually spluttered out, rubbing the back of his neck as an instant reflex to how uncomfortable he was feeling.  
"Have you? Taken such vows?" Evelyn asked, taking a step towards him and placing her hand ever so delicately on his arm.  
Cullen looked down, but he did not move away. "I have made no such vows." He whispered.  
"Good" Evelyn sighed.  
"Maker... But. Can we. Not do this?" He muttered, tripping over his words. Evelyn turned to walk away, rolling her hips as she walked, feeling his gaze on her. Evelyn turned to give him one last look, her deep red hair blowing in the breeze, making sharp eye contact and biting her bottom lip ever so slightly.

Evelyn laughed as she returned to her cabin, she had been making innocent chantry boys stutter since she was 15 and discovered the effect her body could have on men. Evelyn was coached by an older Mage, the subtle movements and sighs that could send a good man insane with lush. Evelyn knew exactly how to dress in order that every curve could be seen, yet still leaving her entire body covered, allowing men to imagine how she would be underneath. She enjoyed being able to rile an innocent man again, she was surprised how easy it was to falter the professional commanders somber mask, he was by far the most powerful, strong and beautiful man that she had encountered. She smiled at the thought of him falling to her bed, but there was a warmth there. She enjoyed playing with her Templar toys and throwing them away without a second thought, she had no intentions of throwing this beautiful toy away once he was used.

Evelyn shook her head at the memory, the butterflies she had felt in her stomach and the sheer joy at what could be coming. She was sitting in a darkened corner of the small pub in Haven, she knew that she was safe from bumping into the commander here, not only was he much above drinking near his men but she was also very sure he would not drink the piss that they served here and passed off as wine.

Evelyn sighed and took a sip of the warm, bitter drink she knew that she was letting everything get on top of her. Her once deep, red hair was now lacklustre and dull through neglect, her skin was pale and pulled over her bones that were now all to evident. She looked at the mark that was scorching her left hand and felt a bitterness rise within her, she felt as though she carried the weight of the world in the palm of her hand and she no longer had idle conversations with a beautiful man to brighten her day.

"Something eating you Boss?" She heard as the bench she was sat on creaked under the weight of her comrade Iron Bull.  
"I'm just beat Bull. That's all"  
"You've not smiled since we returned from Therinfel Boss and that was weeks ago, you aren't still tired."  
"I'm just frustrated, the fate of Thedas in my hand, the huge, green hole in the sky. Doesn't make smiles Bull."

The two sat in companiable silence for some time, Evelyn continued drinking and the room began to swirl around her slightly.  
"You know what you need Boss?" Bull asked eventually, Evelyn turned to him with a raised eyebrow "You need someone to take you stress away. Someone you trust who would know how to make you scream. You are just too tense."  
Evelyn looked him up and down, she had never been intimate with a qunari, hell before meeting Bull she had never even seen a qunari. Still, the way he talked made her think he might just know how to make her eyes roll, certainly more than her innocent little Templar boys.  
"You know exactly where my cabin is Bull." She whispered, not in an entirely sultry matter, more as a point. If she was to do this it would be business, not personal. The qunari way.  
"What!" Bull almost roared as he splattered the drink he had in his mouth all over the table.  
"You are right, I need to be relieved. If you aren't up to the job that's fine. I'm sure there are many men around Haven who would happily have the Herald of Andraste as a notch in their bedpost." Evelyn did not wait to hear a reply but walked slowly to her cabin.

A few minutes later the door crashed open and Bull was above her before she could blink, his huge hands grabbed her head and pulled her towards him as he engulfed her in a passionate kiss. She wasn't sure what she expected, but it was much more pleasant than she thought. The two began moving harmoniously, hands reaching and grabbing, hips rolling to feel eachother, neither cared who might have been them before, there was no emotion, just mechanical passion. Bull quickly lifted her up by her legs to the wall, she quickly freed herself from her breeches and she hadn't even noticed his were already littering her floor. Bull slowly readied her with his hands but did not waste time, he slowly pushed inside her, she moaned in pain at the size but quickly became accustomed. He was right, he really did know how to make her scream, he moved in just the right way, her back against the wall and feet wrapped around his legs and he moved in perfect timing to her, she moaned as she reached the end, but not his name, just a sound of appreciation that finished him off.

As he gently lowered her to the floor she quickly became conscious of her half naked state, suddenly aware of how distant it had been to keep her top covered. She pulled her breeches up and gave him a swift look, he began dressing and moved to speak. Evelyn crashed her lips to him, not from passion but simply to stop the words from coming out, she had no interest in him staying a moment longer. He moved to hold her, believing this to be what the woman would want but she took a hasty step back.  
"Thank you." She muttered looking at the floor "I will see you tomorrow." She finished formally, turning from him, he left without a sound. Evelyn crashed into her bed, she couldn't admit to herself that she felt more satisfied, whilst she was no longer feeling the same strain it became clear to her that she was no longer feeling anything, just emptiness. She'd had to bite her tongue when she reached her climax to stop from calling her Commander's name, visions of his body meeting hers swim before her eyes as she realised that her eyes were burning from furious tears. She rolled over thinking to herself what a stupid girl she truly was, deep down hoping the commander would be jealous and hurt if he was to hear of her activities.


	3. Hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haven is going to be destroyed and Evelyn offers herself to the elder one, much to her disgust even the hero sometimes needs saving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I'm still very conscious of my writing but am enjoying the distraction. This chapters came from Hero by Regina Specktor which you can listen to here https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=DOQ3R3MNcv8 possibly one of my all time favourite songs!

"This is not survivable" Cullen whispered, moving his hand to his temple wearily, Evelyn looked to Dorian, the Mage who had appeared in order to try to warn them.  
"Dying is typically a last resort!" He barked back at the Templar.  
"If he wants me he can have me, a distraction or bait or whatever your tactical word would be. Just get these people away" Evelyn said staring her Commander boldly in the eyes, she had not been this close to him for weeks and had to steady her shaking hands as she looked into his beautiful, amber eyes.  
"There is a path." She heard quietly behind her, Roderick began to explain but she was not listening, only steeling herself for her inevitable fate.  
"Can you get them out then Commander?" She asked, Cullen nodded weakly "But what of you?" He asked quietly.  
"I always find a way commander." She smiled at him trying to relieve some of the pain that was filling his eyes. "Remember that I'm the hero of this story commander, I don't need to be saved, the hero will always return." He smiled at that comment, but still looked concerned. She took a hesitant step towards him and lifted herself to her tiptoes pressing the lightest kiss to his cheek. "Goodbye Commander." She whispered, she took one last fleeting glance at him, her heart pounding as he pressed his hand to where her lips had grazed his cheek, shock and blush spreading over his face. She shook her head surprised by her action, yet she smiled, he could not be her weakness when she was dead and she did not want to die without sharing a moment of her feelings with him. 

As soon as her feet hit the cold snow outside she head the door shut, she spun around and began to rant "Cullen I told you..." Her sentence was cut off when she saw Iron Bull, Varric and Dorian behind her "what? Get back inside and run, now!" She ordered.  
"No offence boss but we aren't letting you have all the fun." Bull smirked.  
"No way are you facing an unknown without us by your side buttercup." Varric patted her elbow.  
"I just didn't trust myself running through a dark path with that golden haired beauty." Dorian said with a smirk, she had to smile back knowing all to well how he felt.  
"Fine, but you retreat at my command, understood?" 

************

Evelyn ran into the dark cave ahead of her, her companions had been true to their word and retreaded back to the rest of the group as soon as the elder one had appeared and the trebuchet had been aimed. Evelyn steadied herself against the cold wall of the cave, she could not believe she was still standing, her back was throbbing from being thrown like a ragdoll but the adrenaline coursing through her was keeping most of the pain at bay. She just hoped that the rest of the Inquisition had been as lucky as her and that she would see them again. The minutes turned into hours as she trudged through the deep snow, she could feel the cold biting at her skin as the red hair around her face began to harden in the ice. She walked past another used camp, she prayed for heat and cried out when there was none. She cursed herself, she survived Corypheus but would die in the snow cold and alone. As she began to whimper she saw lights approaching her "It is her!" She heard, as soon as she recognised the voice of her commander she allowed her legs to give way beneigth her. She quickly felt strong arms around her and soft furs wrapping her frozen form. She took on a deep breath, unable to open her eyes and she smelt him, sandlewood and leather, she smiled and allowed herself to succumb to her bodies desire for unconscious as she whispered his name. "Even heroes need saving Evelyn." He whispered to her "I will always find you." 

Cullen returned to the camp and a frenzy bang around him, he was directed to a tent where he gently put her to a cot. Healers ran around him and he was ordered to leave as they began removing her clothes, he felt a burn or anger at the sight of Solas' hands unbuttoning her, he reminded himself that she needed to be safe so sat outside the tent, uncaring that he was sat in the freezing snow. He was trying not to think of how pale she had looked when he had left, small and fragile. He did not hear Iron Bull approach, he flinched when he spoke.  
"How, how does boss look? Will she..." Cullen swore he hears the huge qunari' voice crack.  
"I don't know." He replied bluntly. It was hours before he was allowed to return to her side, he smiled when he saw her, colour was returning and she appeared as though she was just sleeping, he pulled a crate to her side and sat silently keeping watch. 

*********

Evelyn cracked her eyes open, they felt heavy, as did her whole body. She blinked a few times taking in the sights around her, she was in a tent and most definitely not dead. Evelyn heard a gasp beside her and she smiled when she turned her head and saw that it came from Cullen.  
"You are... Are you? Maker you had me so worried. I'd have never forgiven.. Is there anything you need?" He finally managed to fumble out. A small laugh escaped Evelyn despite how uncomfortable her body was. "I'm fine Commander. Thank you." He slowly moved his hand towards hers and took it in his "before you left, you." He stopped and traced his free hand over his cheek. Evelyn shook her head despite herself "I would urge you to not think of that Commander, a goodbye to a trusted advisor, nothing more." His hand slipped from hers and he stood up, hand instinctively reaching for his neck. "No, I don't accept that." He stared her in the eyes, she could see something stirring behind them as he set his jaw, rage, passion? She could not be sure, before she could reply the tent burst open and in charger Bull.  
"Fucking bollocks Evelyn, you are hard fucking work." He took a huge step towards her "I, we all thought you were dead. Please don't do that again." He leant down and pressed a surprisingly delicate kiss to her forehead. She had been intimate on several occasions with Bull since the first time, but they had never truly shared any intimacy, purely physical release. Her eyes moved to Cullen and she saw that this time it most definitely was rage behind his locked jaw, he turned and left.  
"Bull stop this soppy, dramatic display! Maker anybody would think you fucking loved me." She joked slapping his chest. Her breath caught in her throat when he did not protest, but merely pressed a kiss, more forcefully to her lips. Her mind wandered to Cullen, he was most definitely going to be taking his anger out on his poor charges. She shook her head silently and told Bull that she needed her rest, he respectfully retreated, she turned her heavy body over in the cot and sighed, as she closed her eyes all she could think about what the warm skin and rough stubble of the Commanders cheek against her lips.


	4. Little Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evelyn begins to find the ecstasy in her missions, specifically dragon related, Cullen however does not share her enthusiasm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This mixture of thoughts came to me through little talks by of mice and men, a personal favourite. Although it is much more applicable to the end of the chapter, thanks for reading.

Evelyn kept a safe distance as instructed, she was hurling every ice spell that she could muster at the Ferelden Fristbask before her. The dragon was almost spent, as were her and her companions, the mighty beast let out a painful moan as it began to collapse to the ground. Evelyn could see Bull charging with his axe but he too was exhausted. Evelyn dropped her staff and ran full force towards the beast, she swiftly grabbed her daggers, hidden in her boots and jumped onto the beasts legs. Evelyn raced along the dragons body as it was drawing heavy, painful breaths, she lept upwards and came crashing down with her two dagger into the beats temple, killing it swiftly. Evelyn pulled on the daggers but they were too deeply embedded into the dragons skull. Shaking her head Evelyn turned to her companions who were all staring at her wide eyed, she raised her eyebrows st them and leapt to the floor graciously.   
Before Evelyn could question the looks on her companions faces she felt her body being encased as a mouth crashed down onto hers, Evelyn couldn't remember seeing Bull charge towards her but she returned the kiss, his tongue sweeping hungrily against hers. Suddenly aware of their audience Evelyn pulled away.   
"I'm sorry boss, but I don't think I will ever see anything that will turn me on that much again. You just KILLED a fucking dragon." Iron Bull was staring into her eyes ferociously.   
"Dorian... Varric do either of you two care to congratulate me in a similar manner seeing as all concept of authority has been destroyed?" Evelyn shot a look to the other two companions.   
"As much as I love you my dear I will decline that offer." Dorian snorted. Bull was still at her side, she could feel him pressing his hardness into her thigh. "Well in that case if you two would care to remove some of the scales and anything else hat may be of use myself and Bull will scour the area to check for anymore dragonlings." Evelyn quickly turned on her heel and collected her discarded staff before she could see the knowing smiles she knew would be plastered smugly on Dorian and Varric's faces. Evelyn did not want anybody to know about the friendly extras in her relationship with Bull, but she had grown remarkably close the Dorian since he arrived at Havens gates all those months ago and Varric was, Varric, Evelyn believed him to be a more competent spymaster than Leliana.

As soon as they were into the woods Bull was on her, he tore her defender coat from her and pulled her trousers off before she was even aware that he was kissing her, his hands quickly reached down moving quickly. Bull grabbed her by the ass and pulled her up the nearest tree so that her legs were wrapped around his waist and he could slowly enter her. He bang nibbling down her neck in a way that he now knew that she loved as he began quickening his pace inside her. Evelyn loved being fucked hard, before she knew it she was wondering if Cullen would fuck her roughly, or if he would be slow and passionate. As soon as she began to think about her golden haired commander Evelyn began to reach her peak, she had to bite her tongue to stop from screaming his name as she imagined his hands over her and him exploding inside of her. They stayed up against the tree for a few minutes until they made eye contact. Bull began to roar with laughter "Boss I can't remember life before I met you anymore, we just slated a dragon and then fucked in the woods still covered in its blood. Better days can't exist."  
"Don't get too comfortable, I might leave you in Skyhold next time." She teased as she began dressing herself.

**********

As their horses began to draw towards Skyhold Evelyn could hear the familiar bells allerting the keep to their return, she groaned hoping to get a hot bath and rest before she had to debrief to the war council. She had not seen Cullen in weeks and she did not fancy allowing him to see her now, still splattered with stained dragon blood and smelling like, well Iron Bull. Her heart both sank and began to pound uncontrollably when her eyes found the commander waiting for her holding a parchment. She had been gone for several weeks but the commander did not look the same, his beautiful Amber res were red and surrounded by dark purple rings, suggesting he had not been sleeping. Cullen's golden hair was dishevelled and out of place and his skin was pale and drawn over his bones too tightly. As she jumped from her horse he made his way towards her with a determined stare "A word Inquisitor." He demanded  
"Can I just.."  
"Now." He cut her off, using the authoritative voice he saved only for his newest recruits, sighing she passed her reigns to Varric and followed the commander towards his study. As soon as she entered he shut the door behind her and turned to face her.   
"Dragons!" He shouted down at her, Evelyn suddenly became very aware of his imposing height and stature.  
"What... How.. Yes dragons." She spluttered  
"Fucking dragons." He roared, Evelyn was taken aback by his language she knew he was very serious now and she lowered her eyes to the floor. "What in the makers fucking name possessed you to fucking fight a dragon? Do you not risk your life enough? Are apostates not enough risk for you? Would you like to stands as a dummy for the recruits to try target practise? What has driven you into this fucking ridiculous suicide mission Evelyn." He moved towards his desk and rested his palms against the desk, he hunched over and that's when she noticed he was trembling.   
"I.. I'm sorry Cullen I was doing what was needed of me, as inquisitor I thought it was my duty."  
"You should have sent word, I could have sent more men to support you, 4 people are not enough to take down a high dragon."  
"Yet we did, relatively unscathed I would add." She moved towards him so that she was directly opposite, almost touching him. "What is this about Cullen?"  
"You have no idea, it's just hard sending you out of those gates knowing what you face as it is, now I can add dragons onto the ever growing list of potential threats to your life. I care for you." He tilted his head so that he was stating her directly in the eyes.   
"You do not look well." She stated, wished to move the co versatile she could feel herself being drawn towards him and she had to stop.   
"I'm fine, although there is something you should know, as inquisitor. I did not want you to find out this way, however I fear if I do not say it now I never will." Cullen took a deep breath and motioned towards a box on the desk that Evelyn had previously not noticed "I'm not sure how much you know of Templars or how they get their abilities, but it is through lyrium. We have managed to locate a stable supply for the Templars here, but I, I no longer take it."  
"For how long? Is this, normal?" Evelyn could feel herself pulling towards him.   
"Since I joined the inquisition, I wished to leave that part of my life behind in Kirkwall. The effects are not well known as most die or go insane when they are cut off from their supply."  
"Cullen if this could kill you." Evelyn was suddenly aware of how dry her throat had become and how her eyes began to sting.  
"I've made it this far inquisitor, Cassandra is aware of my situation and if I become unable to perform my duties as commander I will refer to her judgement, I hope yours too."  
"Of course." Evelyn whispered "for what it is worth I think this is very brave, but I do not want you to put your life at risk." She looked down, unable to meet his gaze.  
"Do not concern yourself, I do not want to be a burden, I just thought it was right."  
Evelyn nodded, she took a deep breath and turned to leave, she had to leave now whilst she still had the ability to.  
"Wait." He whispered grabbing her arm, she turned to meet his eyes "it occurred to me this is the most that we have talked, since Therinfel. You changed but I never knew why." She looked into his pleading eyes and swallowed.  
"I.. There is just so much at risk, on me, I just can't Cullen, I want to. You don't understand how much. There's an old voice in my head, that's holding me back."  
He looked see into her eyes as if he could find the answer and draw it out "Well tell her that I miss our little talks." He smiled  
"Cullen, just know that I need to be this way, it's not just me or you anymore, it's the whole of fucking Thedas and I can't fail." He swiped his thumb across her cheek, wiping away that teas she had not noticed that she had shed. "Some days I can't fen dress myself with the pressure Cullen, I can't take you with me."  
"It's killing me to see you this way Evelyn." He moved so that he was before her, both of her small, delicate hands encased in his. "Let me in, I can bare it for you." Evelyn allowed herself a moment to feel him against her, she took one deep breath "I can't be weak." She breathed "you can't be my weakness it will take us both. I'm sorry." She turned to leave and heard him mutter.  
"I don't believe this is what you want." She turned her head over her shoulder and drank him in, looking at him deeply in his eyes "I will see you when I fall asleep commander. Always" she smiled sadly at him when she saw the confusion and darkness cross his face. As she left his room she ran down the battlements towards Skyhold. Evelyn tore into the rotunda where Solas lived and lept up the stairs taking two at a time, her eyes scanned the library looking for her companion. The moment she saw Dorian Evelyn ran towards him and threw herself into his arms, once he had recovered from being jumped at by his companion he held her tightly to his chest as her sobs began racing against him. Dorian carried her quietly to his favourite chair where he curled her onto his lap as she sobbed, he stroked her hair and kissed her forehead, he did not need an explains toon he just knew that he needed to hold her whilst she tried to cry the pain away.   
"Shh, Evelyn you are safe in my arms, always." That was where she fell asleep that night, clinging tightly to her friends neck and as promised her night was filled with his face, his smell and the fee of his hands on hers.


End file.
